Whod you bang
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
