i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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