CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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