i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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