I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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