I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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