Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
