How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
