I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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