Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
