at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
