One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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