I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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