He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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