my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
