So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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