my mouth tastes like poor choices
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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