"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
