Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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