morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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