Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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