He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
