At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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