I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
