We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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