I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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