My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
