I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
