you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
