Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
