I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
