mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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