I need to stop coming to work sober
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
