I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
