Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
