im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
