tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
