is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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