My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
