I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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