I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
