Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize