I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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