Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
