and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
