Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
