The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
