hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
