Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
