My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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