I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
