does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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