All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
