I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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