I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
