he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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