and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
