Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm having to shit out rocks
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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