I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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