Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
