so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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