Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
bring money and cleavage
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
